BOUNDARIES

Which brings me to my next fan-girl section and my newest, most favouritest word. Boundaries.

When I was in this relationship that SO CLEARLY wasn’t working, I was looking EVERYWHERE for answers on how to fix it. How to be a better partner. How to be more understanding. How to help him communicate better. How to be more compassionate. How to schedule date nights and do kind things so that he knew that I cared.

Look, I’m aware that we can all benefit from learning how to be in relationships better. And I am ALWAYS looking to be a better communicator, and human in this world.

But I was missing such a huge piece of the puzzle. I had no idea what boundaries were, and that I was allowed to have them.

Enter Mark Groves who talks about relationships from the perspective of honouring yourself and your needs, and communicating those with kindness and respect.

His Instagram is HERE

His podcast is HERE

When I started to un-learn (thanks to Glennon Doyle and Clementine Ford) what I had accidentally learnt about myself and my role in the world and in relationships, and when I started to learn how to tell the truth (thanks to Brené Brown) it became pretty clear to me that I was TERRIFIED to stand by my needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, values and self. I was terrified to have boundaries and keep them. I also didn’t know how.

I understood it all in theory, but my experience so far had been that if I say no, or express my needs, or offer an alternative, or ask for what I want, then I would be rejected at best, punished at worst. I was NOT up for that, so I kept my boundaries hidden - even from myself.

Mark taught me that anyone who rejects or punishes me as a result of me looking out for myself and my needs is NOT someone I want in my life.

DOUBLE OUCH.

It’s still a struggle sometimes, to be honest. I’m definitely not claiming to be a boundaries boss. But I’m on walking the path and that’s a big deal, I reckon.

I started paying attention to that icky feeling in my body that was there all along whenever I was involved in a conversation or situation that didn't feel good. And THEN i started acting on that feeling.

I started losing friends. Not any of the good ones, obviously.

I started looking at my work and all of the things I said I was grateful for but actually resented doing.

I started looking at what parts of myself I had “happily” given away but secretly completely resented other people for taking from me.

I started mentioning to my friends and family when they’d said or did something that wasn’t ok with me. It brought us closer together.

I started talking to my agent about what gigs I was and wasn’t willing to do, and for what pay. My work started improving.

And this really cool thing happened… The more I backed myself (even when I was terrified), the more I trusted myself. And the more I trusted myself, the more I liked myself. And the more I liked myself, the less I cared whether anyone else liked me. And the less I cared whether anyone else liked me, the more people I found that aligned with who I am - and the deeper my already exisiting connections became.

WTF.

I think, for me, the willingness to set boundaries opened up a space for being vulnerable, and the willingness to be vulnerable opened up a space to set boundaries. Nothing works in a straight line….. Do you see how everything is connected?

Ok. I’m going to leave it at that. My brain hurts. Today has been a big day! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s email …. I’ll share songs that are absolutely 🔥 and a podcast that makes my brain explode.